BONE DETH PENETRATOR CRANK TORTURE TESTING AND MACHINE TESTING. THE PENETRATORS WILL BE OUT SEPT 1ST 2013. IN THIS VIDEO SEAN BURNS DISCUSS’S THE CRANK TESTING WITH KERT PETERSEL BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF THEM. AS WELL OUR INSIDE SECRET TO AT HOME MACHINE TESTING.
Troy Merkle signature “Century Bar” promo edit. These will be available soon in the UK via Zeal Dealers.
April 14, 2013
Last month the Dead Sailor Shipmates hit the high seas and headed to Barcelona for some much needed sun and fun. The trip turned out to be an awesome chilled out break with some skids and wheelies thrown in for good measure.
Premier are hosting a Jam at Caterham Skatepark this Sunday (14th April). Get along to have a ride and have some fun!!
Isaac Lesser and Luke Duffy (behind the lens) worked their asses off all winter for this Fast Forward BMX exclusive and the result is awesome! From sketchy Essex Estates, to the City of London, down to sunny seaside spots in Brighton, Duffy and Isaac travelled far and wide in the worst of conditions and their efforts definitely shine in this one.
Thanks again to Isaac and Luke Duffy for working so hard on this one!
The new Mankind Respect Plastic Pegs.
Material: Alloy Core / Plastic Sleeve | Quantity: 1 Pair | Size: 102mm x 34mm |
Axle Hole: 14mm | Including: Anti rotation Pin, 14mm to 10mm reduction spacer
Colors: Black/Black, Black/Silver, Clear/Black
Weight: 113 Grams / per axle peg
Available in the UK next week. Contact your local Zeal dealer.
RRP £26.99 (Per Pair – Core, Sleeves and adaptors)
Replacement plastic sleeves available separately.
I got this email the other day from stu and its a must read, he has another one for next week when he gets time to type it out. this brightened up my month maybe even year, so funny. Share this story with yours mates they are gonna love it.
Here’s a tale of a recent misadventure I had that I’ve been dieing to tell people. I never have any time so haven’t managed it yet but this email is the perfect chance.
You know how I said that I was wanting to bone that trailer trash mum in my last email? Well I didn’t actually manage it which is a bummer cos she was dialled. She has tattoos on her tits! Tattoos of snakes and all kinds of gnar. Who gets tattoos on their tits? Only the BEST insane sluts get that stuff.
Anyway she was a mum and I was all stoked on getting so bone a mum for the first time I was super unstoked when it fell through. My buddies being the good guys they are decided to help me out and arranged this other mum for me to shag.
A couple of weeks later we are hanging out in the bedroom of this girl who knows her, drinking beers and getting rowdy as per usual. She says this new mum has just texted saying she’s almost there. She sounded desperate so I knew she wasn’t going to be a stunner, I was hoping she wasn’t going to be too fat.
I can remember vividly the moment she arrived.
Picture this; I can hear her before I see her. The room falls silent as the ground shakes from her footsteps. I look down and see ripples in my beer like that scene from Jurassic Park.
The door opens and in walks this huge behemoth of a “lady”. I’ve done fat chicks before but this is some next level shit.
She also has some sort of concave shaped face thing going on. Her face was literally inwards! You could pour cereal and milk in that thing and have breakfast out of it.
I’d have rathered it was the T-Rex from Jurassic Park.
Me and NZ Tom start flipping a coin to see who has to shag her but I decide I’m going to man up and send this whale beast.
Fast forward to the end of the end of the night and I got into a caravan bed with bowl face. I was stoked cos this was the first mum vag I was ever going to experience.
First impression: not great. You know that bit above the vag where the pubes n stuff are? Well it bulged out A LOT. It was like her vag had its own stomach. This girl is so fat even her vag has its own stomach!! It was a bit gross but kinda cool at the same time so I grabbed on to it and used it like a handle. Not many girls have a pussy handle so this whale has one up on them already!
When I put the fingers in her thing didn’t seem to have a defined entrance. On any normal vag you know when your fingers are in there because it goes past that bit that feels like an entrance. This one didn’t have that bit. It just started off wide and got narrower the further up you went. I have the mental image of an ice cream cone – but made of meat.
Anyway after a bit of mucking around I got to pillage this meat cone in the caravan. This was actually the rad part cos the whole van was swaying side to side. I don’t know if it is because she was so fat the suspension couldn’t handle the weight, or if I was just plundering away extra hard, but the cupboard doors were banging open and closed, drawers were sliding open and shut, cutlery was falling out everywhere and you could hear the water tank sloshing from side to side.
Actually that could have been her belly.
Either way it was like scoring in the middle of a hurricane and it ruled!
The weird part was when I decided to turn up the heat. We’re doing it doggy style and I show her who’s boss by grabbing her hair and pulling on it.
The next thing I know, I’m holding on to her hair – but it’s no longer on her head!
Turns out she was wearing some kind of wig/hair extensions scenario and I yanked it off! Haha! She didn’t seem to have noticed so I carried on and finished as quickly as it’s possible to while having to look at the back of Jabba the Hutt.
After I was done I handed her hair back and apologised – then immediately fell asleep. I woke up in the morning and she was gone. That’s the last I ever saw of her!
Cover artwork by Richard ‘FRENCH’ Sayer
Issue #13 Contents
Drugs In BMX
Soapbox – The Future of Southbank
Pumped BMX – A Lesson in Entrepreneurialism
Colts: Cory Wiergowski
A Long Story Short – Jimmy LeVan
Roofies: One Lap and No Crap with Sean Burns
On The Shoulders Of Giants – Dave Mirra
Style Is The Difference – Jeff Kocsis
Taming A Beast – Ben Hennon
Life Lessons 002 – Barcelona Sex Shows
Aggro Rag & The Hoods
The Albion is available for FREE in all good BMX shops in the UK.